RHS London Club | Alan Mitchell's World Tour

Al's World Tour - China

Canai bag gha chooda, Comrades!

(Chinese for "Greetings Comrades!" )

Well, made it to China, ditching the Free Tibet T-Shirt (for the "Mao was a c*nt" backup shirt). Very noisy train journey, due to a LOUD American who entertained a lovely Belgian ladyfriend several times in the adjoining carriage (he was subsequently nicknamed Brian the Belgian Banger from Boston). I later bumped into 4B in Beijing, and he introduced himself, to which I replied I hadn't met him, but I'd certainly heard him! He was a little sheepish after that!

Spitting. There's a lot of it in China. I don't mean your average little blob, I'm talking MAJOR hocked loogeys, ANYWHERE at ANY time (same rules for drinking beer on the street in Russia). Pleasant old ladies will suddenly expunge China's finest floober right at your feet whilst walking down a busy street. I found the best tactic to deal with this was to theatrically hock with sounds Jabba the Hut would be proud of until the offender actually looks slightly shamefaced!

Saw the Great Wall which was big and made of stone.

After an all-nighter on incredibly sour Tsingtao beer, I made it down to the flagraising ceremony on Tianamen Square which was quite interesting (I think). There was an embarassing incident at about 9am later that morning, after about an hour's sleep, where the assistant manager of the hotel turned up and I had to return the lifesize Fujicolour bikini girl cutout which they'd stupidly put in the foyer (okay, in the concierge's cupboard then!).

Went to a night food market, where they were serving up such barbecued delights as scorpion, grasshopper and some sort of larvae on a stick. Lovely. I opted for some snake, which was bloody terrible. I later succumbed to quaffing my first McDonald's for some months and even THAT tasted pretty dodgy. That must be some sort of record!

Saw the Terracotta Army. Most disappointed they weren't bionically animated like robots or something. Most enertaining was a Stone Age village museum, where women were seen as the most important members of the tribe. There museum was shaped like a massive pair of breasts! I may have posed for a photograph or two....

The lovely dark eyed receptionist from the hotel called me in my room later that evening and asked me to remove my pants. Unfortunately she wanted me to remove them from the balcony where they were drying, which overlooked the dining room and apparently were "upsetting the waitresses". Bugger.

Came across a charming dog market in Guangzhou, where cuddly pups were caged next to chickens and frogs, destined for the cooking pot (no doubt MaccyDees supply depot). There were also some very surprised looking dried lizards. This was all pretty gross.

Fast catamaran onto Hong Kong where currently checked into the Cosmic Hotel. Space is at a premium in HK - the hotel room is on the 12th floor of Mirador Mansions. Imagine the grottiest council block you can think of, tag on a couple of thousand whirring coughing AC units, pour sh*t down the walls and plonk it in the middle of a sea of neon that is Kowloon. That's the Mansions! The toilet bowl is INSIDE the shower cubicle and you have to lift the rucksacks onto the bed to open the door! I'm tempted to buy a cat down the market for a photo swinging it round....

Off tae Aberdeen tomorrow for some floating restaurant scran.

Till next time, Joih Gin!

19th July 2002

Alan Mitchell RHS 1984 - 1990
Wherever Alan goes he always carries a small tin of pilchards